Jus another poem

He's okay and thats enough
I dont have time to worry of other stuff
We over, we have been for a long time now
The play is over, the actors have taken their final bow

At least he's still alive, at least he's fine
I just need to think of him less of the time
I dunno why now memories tumble in so fast
and I keep reminding myself taht romance would never last

At least he still breathes, at least he still smiles
Even if between us there is thousands of miles
It makes me reminise of times past by
Of soft kisses, of shy glances, oh time did fly

At least he still talks, and least he still laughs
At first it was impossible, really hard, really tough
To believe I would ever live without him by my side
I couldnt understand where else i could find someone to confide

He never speaks to me, I haven't seen him in months now
I would like to speak to him, i just dunno how
I wouldnt know what to say, and if i did it would sound wrong
I think of him playing our favourite song

I think of many things that make me sad
I think of just meeting you would make me glad
I know its over, I know it went bad
I know I messed up, I know i was mad
I know I'm irrational, undecisive too
I know sometimes you never knew what to do
I know all this, I created the situation as well
But on a past, you have forgotten I canot dwell

So I move on, and remember you as a memory gone by
Four months ago i stopped crying
But you okay and that makes me feel fine
Even if no longer you are mine
I still want for you only the best
I still love you, always will, only now its becoming a lot less....

Random Thoughts: October 2005

I am not sure how the situation became what it has become.

Our song plays and I am not sure anymore on whether it still is our song.

All of a sudden I am unsure on whether what was, ever was true. I do not know what is anymore.

Perhaps I would undo and redo a lot in these last three months.

But it doesn’t matter anymore, you wont reply to anything, so I see no point in speaking with very little hope of being spoken to.

And if I were to say a line I am not sure on what that line would be or the one thereafter.

All we do is fight, there is no more fight left in me.

I do not know if you lied or if you spoke the truth or if she lied and was confused of the truth. I know neither and am therefore transported back to Limbo.

But even then I must let go and pretend that you are dead as you pretend I am dead.

Yet I don’t blame you, cause I have behaved most inappropriately I know.

But no more sorries can be said, I have exhausted and abused the word so much so that its meaning, no longer means what it used to mean.

And in the midsts of this confusion, I must let go on the thing I hold so dear and tightly.

I wish you could understand, I wish I could explain but if I cant understand it, and if I cant even logically converse it with myself, there is very little hope if not any that you will ever understand what I am going through.

That was neither an excuse nor an explanation, it just is what it is.

Oh god, help me understand love because I am drowning ithout the instruction manuel, I am commiting a slow suicide as I tortue myself with thoughts of a past which I thought would forever last.

Blood stains smells and if enough is lost, can be fatal.

I am dieing a slow death, but I cannot live with you. I neither love or hate you, it just all is what it is.

Valentinesday

Its a comforting laugh, that subdues my fears
Its a gentle caress that stops falling tears

Its the way you slant your eyes when you stare at my face
And that feeling of contentmnt i get from your embrace

Its the late chats we have before we sleep
Sometimes funny, sometimes serious, sometimes very deep

Its the way i just feel knowing that you care
And my ghut and my instincts promise youlle always be there

Sometimes we fight, sometimes im wrong i know
its the promise that you will always stay and never go

You're the best friend ive been searching for, far and wide
You're the person i envisioned to always be at my side

im so happy i found you, i cant think its true
but darling, i must say, i love you!!

Arranged Marriages...and the like

My paternal grandparents had an arranged marriage. She was 12 and he was 16, and they were betrothedt o each other I cannot tell you much on their love lives, as many people who come from India, their generation did not show much affection as they do today. WAtch any indian movie where you will find the guy to be so romatic he would and does die a couple of times for his 'jhaan'.

Titanic looks like a joke compared to Indian movies. Sharukh is a hero like no other hero, he seduces with his smile and quirky expressions, wherever he goes has an adoring fan base.

Yet in the end love does not win at the end.

A friend's ex girlfriend ended a two year relationship when she married someone her parents chose.

And now a boy whom I lost my heart to is marrying a girl his parents have chosen.

Now I sit and wonder is there some truth some secret power to this arranged marriage concept. I am plagued by the West and the East, movies dictating, stating no PROMISING that LOVE WILL concur all, yet in reality, loe exists for a fleeting moment and then its gone.

I always believed in love, but today I admit its nothing more than a chemical reaction as the pessimistic masses have been saying for a long time.

I have fallen inlove out of love! I have sworn to give up on it, I have dared to be different and not carry my heart on my sleeve.

I have contemplated friends with benefits, I have tried to understand what love is before so wrecklessly engaing in it, playing a game whose rules I know nothing of.

But the kama sutra shows u love making but not love. Philosophers have debated it, and yet still its unexplained, unexplored yet experienced by the masses.

There must be some kind of formula, there must be some hidden secrets, codes, passwords to this unexplainable phenomena.

But now I will yet again mend a wounded heart, with a needle that prinks and hurts, with a thread that leaves an ugly scar but a heart that continues to beat…

Papa dont preach...

Im sitting here wondering whether i should even bother telling them.
I will have to eventually. I just never ever expected to be in the position i am in.

I come from a carefree happy family, actually they are close to perfect. Through all my difficult moments they had been there for me. Support and love i never was short of. My family are good people. They dont lie and steal and are respected by all in the community.

My grandparents will be so dissapointed I am happy they are not alive not now, not when im pregnant. Im 20 and pregnant. I still have two years left of my degree, i dont know what to do.

It all happened so quickly, he was so sweet, rough and uncultured, i think thats what attracted me, the dysfunctionalness, the total opposite to me. He was older than me, maybe too much older, working already.

I met him at Exclusive bookstore when we both reached for the same book. When our hands touched and eyes met in a permanet gaze. I fell inlove instantly and that it was recipricated only made me more happier.

I met him on the sly, bunking lectures, talking, whispering enjoying his company and being enjoyed.

My freinds didnt like him from the start, he was not like me they would say.
He didnt have a similar upbringing, didnt have an education.
He had a mother whom he had to look after since his father had left them a long time ago.Hhe had a younger sister to care for, all of a sudden education becomes a luxury.
He was troubled, and was betrayed so many times, i wanted to fix him up, give him love and attention he was so deprived of.

Why could any of them not understand that?

So i see my freinds less and less, i become more quieter at home, i feel guilty that im lying to them but at the same time I feel guilty having all this around me when he has nothing.

Im sitting in my room thinking of the day that has passed Tears roll down my eyes, i saw him this morning. I tell him i have taken three tests and im pregnant.
He looks shocked as expected, he screams, he shouts and he says it not his.

One night, one moment, three minutes and he now claims its not his.

He was my first everything, my first kiss, my first love, the first man i trusted who wasnt my family, the first person who really knew me, who knew my soul, my mind my innermost secrets and dreams. We couldnt get closer.

But love is very blind.

I have really good freinds at least that i chose well.

They come and tell me a ugly truth. His mother is not sick and his father did not dessert them. He's got older siblings and he's the lazy spoilt brat who messes with girls minds as a recreational activity. They met three girls who he has whood and dumped after they served their purpose.

I feel sick and run to a bathroom to vomit. They comfort and hold me as i cry. They say its okay, they say at least i found out the truth. They dont know its morning sickeness.

Little do they know, its too late.
Im sitting in my room still hoping for my phone to ring, for him to say its all a mistake, that he loves me.

Three hours i stare at this Samsung phone that i eagerly spent most of my nights with smsin a certain someone.
My mother comes into my room and asks me what is wrong, am i okay?

I lie and say im fine. My older sister comes in with my cute three year old newphew. She is also worried of me. How do i tell her, " Im pregnant" and i hate the father.

I had my whole future mapped out for me, finish my undergrad in Law, work in a la di da firm and eventually become a top notch advocate.

I pick up a pamplet i collected from the clinic this afternoon. I pick up my Samsung and dial the number.

The guilt will kill me i am sure, but the pain and agony to break my parents hearts, the dissapointment will be too much to bare. Worst still to be constantly reminded of HIM, growing inside me, makes me nautious and suicidal.

" i dunno what to do, but i think im pregnant but i dont want this child. Do you do abortions?"